Book Review: Vampires Don't Sparkle edited by Michael West

Vampires Don't Sparkle by Michael West

Softcover | Website | Goodreads | Kindle

Publisher: Seventh Star Press, LLC

Pages: 246 (Paperback)

Published: March 12, 2013

Source: Mobi
Disclaimer: Blogger received a complimentary copy in exchange for an honest review. No other compensation was awarded.
ISBN-13: 978-1937929602
Genre: Horror
Author: Twitter | Website | Facebook

Synopsis: What would you do if you had unlimited power and eternal life?

Would you…go back to high school? Attend the same classes year after year, going through the pomp and circumstance of one graduation after another, until you found the perfect date to take to prom? Would you…spend your days moping and brooding, finding your only joy in a game of baseball on a stormy day? Or would you…do something else? Anything else?
The authors of this collection have a few ideas; some fanciful, some humorous, and some as dark as an endless night. Join us, and discover what it truly means to be “vampyre.”

Edited by Michael West
Foreword by Michael West
“A New Life” by J. F. Gonzalez
“What Once was Flesh” by Tim Waggoner
“The Darkton Circus Mystery” by Elizabeth Massie
“Robot Vampire” by R. J. Sullivan
“Beneath a Templar Cross” by Gord Rollo
“The Weapon of Memory” by Kyle S. Johnson
“The Excavation” by Stephen Zimmer
“Skraeling” by Joel A. Sutherland
“Dreams of Winter” by Bob Freeman
“Dracula’s Winkee: Bloodsucker Blues” by Gregory L. Hall
“I Fuck Your Sunshine” by Lucy A. Snyder
“A Soldier’s Story” by Maurice Broaddus
“Rattenkönig
” by Douglas F. Warrick
“Vampire Nation” by Jerry Gordon
“Curtain Call” by Gary A. Braunbeck

I've had the esteem pleasure of being on the Seventh Star Press Blog Tour for Vampires Don't Sparkle a new anthology edited by Michael West. In a world which has become oversaturated by creatures of the night, this anthology brings the topic of conversation back to the monster, back to the old-fashioned vampire of lore. The vampires in this collection are meant to be terrifying, to cause suspense, to enthrall you rather than make you squee like a teenage Twihard. There are no vegetarian vampires in this book.

There are fifteen stories in this Vampires Don't Sparkle and each piece of this collection adds a new layer to the vampire mythos. Whether its by reimagining old tales or looking toward the future, these stories fit together in a brilliant tapestry with the common thread of the classic, fearsome vampire. I think that the stories flowed together quite well and I liked to see different themes within the book including the vampire hunter, which in my opinion is a very important part of the vampire mythology. Where there is a creature of the night there will (most likely) be someone who wants to figure out what makes them work and put an end to the terror.

For the purposes of this review, I wanted to briefly touch on two stories in the collection which stood out as my personal favorites: Robot Vampire by R. J. Sullivan and Beneath a Templar Cross by Gordo Rollo. Firstly, I think that Robot Vampire was a truly unique idea. There was a quick pace to the story, but the different parts were brought together so well that everything fit together nicely. The author presented us with a short prologue which linked very well to the main story. Sullivan even presents us with a good villain. It's easily my favorite of the collection.

I really enjoyed Beneath a Templar Cross as well. It's a unique origin story with an interesting twist. Though brief, I did very much like the characters. The 1870 setting was quite brilliant and a reimagining of the Knights Templar was inventive. The story was told using letters and flashbacks with flashforwards to the present time. I was a bit confused about the timeline at first, but I caught on to what Rollo was doing to build the story. In the end I was extremely satisfied. I would love to see both of these stories continue on as a longer novella or full-length novel. I was definitely able to see both of the stories playing out in my head and I was easily able to imagine the characters, which I think is a mark of great storytelling.

That is definitely what this anthology is. Great storytelling, plain and simple. If you're a fan of horror and vampires in general, this is the collection for you.

Many thanks to Seventh Star Press, Stephen Zimmer, and Tomorrow Comes Media for allowing me to be a part of the blog tour for Vampires Sparkle. Check the blog for my involvement in upcoming tours!

Here is the remainder of the Vampires Don't Sparkle tour!


Vampires Don’t Sparkle! Tour Segment:
May 16  MikesFilmTalk       Guest Post
May 17 Come Selahway With Me    Guest Post
May 18  A Girl and Her Kindle   Review
May 20  Laurie’s Paranormal Thoughts and Reviews   Interview
May 21   Kentucky Geek Girl   Review
May 22 Strange Amusements   Promo/Spotlight
May 23  Book Den  Guest Post
May 24  Beagle Book Space  Promo/Spotlight
May 26 Armand Rosamilla, Horror Author   Review
May 27  Bookishly Me    Review
May 30  The Cabin Goddess Review
May 31  WTF Are You Reading?   Review
June 3  Book in the Bag   Review
June 4  The Dan O’Brien Project  Guest Post
June 7  Bee’s Knees Reviews   Review
June 11 Darlene’s Book Nook  Guest Post
June 16  Jess Resides Here   Top Ten’s List
June 17  The Witchy Contessa   Review
June 19  My Seryniti   Review

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Movie Review: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

I went into this movie with a fair amount of trepidation. Having not been truly convinced by the previews that this movie would be a worthwhile option for viewing, I decided to bite the bullet and choose the new film starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as my weekly movie outing. The movie, which was originally scheduled for a March 2012 released date, was delayed to capitalize on the success of Renner’s big year in 2012, though Bourne Legacy turned out to be a bit disappointing. I’m not sure if the delay was also for the 3D conversion, as was the case for G.I. Joe: Retaliation.  3D movies have continually failed to impress me, but I opted with the 3D since its showing was at the best time.  Actually, I was pleasantly surprised at the technology that was used. It didn't seem to be simply post-production conversion. It seemed as if there were shots that were crafted specifically for 3D and it was utilized, in my opinion, in a good way. From witches flying through the air, to Gretel’s crossbow bolts there are plenty of shots that allowed the production team to work their collective 3D mojo.

The film seems like it’s probably set in the 1600s, considering that the 17^th century was rife with witch hunts across Europe, which eventually bled into the American colonies. However, there’s not definitive date in which the film is set. The town of Augsburg is referenced several times throughout the movie, which gives the audience a sense of place. Augsburg, as it turns out, is Germany’s third oldest city. Of course, if this movie is set when I assume it is, Germany actually didn't exist. That, however, is a history lesson for another day.

We begin the movie with the back story of Hansel and Gretel. Surely, we know the tale by now. In this movie, we don’t have any pebbles or breadcrumbs, none of that “finding your way back home” business. (Or do we? *ominous laughter*) Rather, at the beginning of the film, Hansel and Gretel’s father drops the siblings off in the woods in the dark of night. Where they wander upon a (gingerbread?) house covered in candy and sweets, which is the part of the story that we’re accustomed to. What follows is safely along the tradition, but what after the siblings vanquish the wicked witch, the next chapter of Hansel and Gretel’s story unfolds.

Most synopses about the movie state that the film picks up 15 years after the events of their childhood, though the film itself says “many years later.” Regardless, the duo has made a name for themselves as hunters of witches, slaying all that practice magicks. The audience catches up with them in Augsburg, at the scene of a witch trial. Without revealing too much of the plot, Hansel and Gretel must defeat a growing evil which may hold a clue to the truth behind their parents’ disappearance and reveal more about their destiny. The movie’s climax during the Blood Moon (not a spoiler, it’s in the official synopsis) is an action-filled gorefest.

Renner seemed very stiff at the beginning of the movie and was not a very commanding star, but by the end of the film, seemed to lighten up a bit. I was glad to see Arterton back on the big screen and in a leading role, after seeing her last in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. I think that the two stars made a very good team and seemed to play off of each other well.  To be honest, I didn't know that Famke Janssen was in the movie, so that was actually quite the pleasant surprise; I absolutely adore her. Finnish actress Pihla Viitala appears as Mina, a supporting character whose intentions are questionable throughout the film. Rounding out the cast is newcomer Thomas Mann, whose character Ben has a few scene stealing moments. You do find yourself cheering for H&G and the two have some great one-liners.  In addition to the obvious villains of the film, the witches, there is also opposition from various townspeople in Augsburg who want no part of the witch threat, including Berringer, the town’s sheriff. He’s a vile, loathsome creature that gets his comeuppance on multiple occasions.  Though not an ensemble piece, I do feel that the cast worked very well together with the exception of the two witch minions of the big bad, who were utterly forgettable.

I really do not have too many gripes about the movie. It did seem short. At a running time of 88 minutes, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters does seem to be the shortest movie that I've seen in quite some time. I remember an eight year old me complaining about the length of Pocahontas when it came out in 1995, but H&G does beat the Disney animated feature by seven minutes. Though the movie is on the short side, there are several truly action-packed moments. It’s pretty common for films set in European countries to have everyone speak in a British accent. Apparently director Tommy Wirkola didn't get that memo. Hansel, Gretel, and Ben all speak American accents. Really, it’s as if Renner is just using his normal speaking voice.  There are muddled British accents, some German, and though I admit that I’m not an expert on Finnish, Viitala seemed like she was probably speaking in her native accent. That was one issue that threw things off just a tad.

Even as a historian I really had no problem with the anachronisms, because at the heart of it this is really not a period piece. You cannot really categorize this aspect of the film as steampunk, but what you see is distinctly out of place. The pictures of missing children affixed to the sides of milk bottles gave me a good chuckle. I really liked the weaponry that Hansel and Gretel used.  Over the years, the pair had not only developed their own techniques for killing witches, they could probably write a tome on it. I loved Gretel's crossbow and Hansel's gun was very THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK. Clothing was a bit wonky. Their witch hunting outfits do seem to have a bit of period essence about them. The shoulders are formed a bit like full-plate spaulders, though the ensemble is made of leather. Unique twists regarding Hansel and Gretel individually bring new element to the fairytale mythos.

Was Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters a spectacular movie? Not really, but it was a fun, albeit short, take on the classic fairytale. I completely appreciate the fact that it was given an R rating by the MPAA. Let’s face it, I don’t think that a treatment of the story in this manner could have withstood a rating any more family friendly. The film has its dark moments, due to the way that witches are portrayed as truly disgusting and inhuman, an aspect of the movie that I really liked. The makeup was really great. Most of the special effects were done in CGI, but it wasn't very poorly done CGI, in my opinion. The movie even had a great score with some nice Goth rock moments.  

Don’t expect Academy Award winning performances from anyone, I don’t think it’s deserving of its 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. Apparently enough people were intrigued by it, because H&G has taken the top spot this weekend with $19 million, beating out Movie 43 and Parker. If you go into it with low enough expectations, you won’t be disappointed.

Images from Latino Review, HanselandGretelMovie.com, 

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